Short Stories
TECHNICAL SUPPORT
To Whom It May Concern:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where
it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BoysNight 2.5, and SaturdayFootball 5.0 no longer run, and invariably crash
the systembecause the application selected cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while I'm attempting
to run some of these other favourite applications.
Can you help please!!!!
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with no idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT package. However,
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything. Further, you cannot purge Wife
1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your
system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0,so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete,
or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, some men have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0, or Wife 2.0. However, these men end up with more problems than encountered with Wife 1.0. Look
in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0, and just deal
with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership
Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems hat may occur, regardless of root cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command "C:\APOLOGIZE".
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of the ESC key. Use of the ESC key often creates additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately
the APOLOGIZE command will need to be issued anyway before the system will return to normal operations.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program,
but does require very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
recommend FlowersAndGifts 2.4 and Chocolates 5.1. Used in conjunctions, these utilities can really help keep Wife
1.0 running smoothly and like a well lubricated machine.
A final word of caution! Don't be fooled by false advertising! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryW/ShortSkirt
3.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Wife 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you
the best of luck in coming years. We at Tech Support trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Technical Support
WHILE WE ARE STILL ALIVE...
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (Written after she found out she
was dying from cancer.)
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't
there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted
to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and
sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television-and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last
a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment
growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's.". More "I'm sorry's"...But mostly, given another
shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.
Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead,
let's cherish the relationships we have with those who Do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.
And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.
Life is too short to let it pass you by.
We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
MORE THAN JUST A TEACHER...
There is a story many years ago of an elementary teacher. Her name was Mrs.
Thompson. And as she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first
day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at
her students and said that she loved them all the same. But that was
impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little
boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs.Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and
noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes
were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy could be
unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take
delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then
putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each
child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she
reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.Teddy's first grade teacher
wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly
and has good manners...he is a joy to be around." His second grade teacher
wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well-liked by his classmates, but he is
troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a
struggle." His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on
him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn't show much interest and his
homelife will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken." Teddy's fourth
grade teacher wrote "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in
school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She
felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in
beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was
clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some
of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with
some of the stones missing and a bottle that was one quarter full of
perfume.But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty
the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs.
Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left
she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading,
and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children.
Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his
mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he
responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest
children in the class and, despite her lie
that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her
"teacher's pets." A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy,
telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote
that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the
best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Four years after that, she got
another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed
in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the
highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and
favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life. Then four more years passed
and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his
bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained
that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name
was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that
spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He
explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering
if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was
usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did.
And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones
missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered
his mother wearing on their last Christmas together. They hugged each other,
and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you, Mrs. Thompson,
for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and
showing me that I could make a difference." Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her
eyes,whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one
who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until
I met you."
Never underestimate the Power of Purpose..
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the
'Present'
THINGS YOUR DOG CAN TEACH YOU...
Through many years of watching my dog, here's what I have learned from him:
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to pure ectasy.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
run right back out and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
An obsevant dog owner
TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BoysNight 2.5, and SaturdayFootball 5.0 no longer run, and invariably crash the systembecause the application selected cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while I'm attempting to run some of these other favourite applications.
Can you help please!!!!
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with no idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything. Further, you cannot purge Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0,so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, some men have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0, or Wife 2.0. However, these men end up with more problems than encountered with Wife 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0, and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems hat may occur, regardless of root cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command "C:\APOLOGIZE".
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of the ESC key. Use of the ESC key often creates additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately the APOLOGIZE command will need to be issued anyway before the system will return to normal operations.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but does require very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend FlowersAndGifts 2.4 and Chocolates 5.1. Used in conjunctions, these utilities can really help keep Wife 1.0 running smoothly and like a well lubricated machine.
A final word of caution! Don't be fooled by false advertising! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryW/ShortSkirt 3.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Wife 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We at Tech Support trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Technical Support
WHILE WE ARE STILL ALIVE...
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television-and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's.". More "I'm sorry's"...But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.
Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who Do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.
And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.
Life is too short to let it pass you by.
We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
MORE THAN JUST A TEACHER...
Thompson. And as she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first
day of school, she told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at
her students and said that she loved them all the same. But that was
impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little
boy named Teddy Stoddard. Mrs.Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and
noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes
were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy could be
unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take
delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then
putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each
child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she
reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.Teddy's first grade teacher
wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly
and has good manners...he is a joy to be around." His second grade teacher
wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well-liked by his classmates, but he is
troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a
struggle." His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on
him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn't show much interest and his
homelife will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken." Teddy's fourth
grade teacher wrote "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in
school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She
felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in
beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was
clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.
Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some
of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with
some of the stones missing and a bottle that was one quarter full of
perfume.But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty
the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs.
Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to." After the children left
she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading,
and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children.
Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his
mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he
responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest
children in the class and, despite her lie
that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her
"teacher's pets." A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy,
telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote
that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the
best teacher he ever had in his whole life. Four years after that, she got
another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed
in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the
highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and
favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life. Then four more years passed
and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his
bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained
that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name
was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that
spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He
explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering
if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was
usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did.
And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones
missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered
his mother wearing on their last Christmas together. They hugged each other,
and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you, Mrs. Thompson,
for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and
showing me that I could make a difference." Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her
eyes,whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one
who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until
I met you."
Never underestimate the Power of Purpose..
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the
'Present'