Humour
GENDER MATH
SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN
= ROMANCE
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE
SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS
SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION
DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION
DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME
A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS.
A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES
NOT NEED.
A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A
HUSBAND.
A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A
WIFE.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS
WIFE CAN SPEND.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND
UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND
NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL.
MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED.
WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT.
A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE
DOESN'T.
A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON'T CHANGE, BUT
SHE DOES.
MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED
MEN ARE MORE WILLING TO DIE.
ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE'S
NO USE IN TWO PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER
THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT.
HEAVEN
IS WHEN YOU HAVE...
AN AMERICAN
SALARY
A BRITISH HOME
CHINESE FOOD
A GERMAN CAR &
A LATIN WIFE
HELL IS WHEN
YOU HAVE...
AN AMERICAN CAR
A BRITISH WIFE
A CHINESE HOME
GERMAN FOOD
A LATIN SALARY
MEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT WOMEN
REALLY MEAN
WHEN THEY
SAY...
"You want." = You want.
"We need." = I want.
"It's your decision." = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk." = I need to complain.
"Sure . . . go ahead." = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset." = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're . . . so manly." = You need a shave and you sweat too much.
"You're certainly attentive tonight." = Is sex all you ever think about?
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains." = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
"I need shoes." = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
"I heard a noise." = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
"Yes." = No.
"No." = No.
"Maybe." = No.
"I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry.
"Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
"I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
"All we're going to buy is a soap dish." = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics
department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look
great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
WOMEN'S GUIDE
TO WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY...
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I Call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it . . . we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = 50 bucks and it still doesn't look any different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like
to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
MEN - THEY'RE ALL THE
SAME? THINK AGAIN...
On a beautiful deserted
island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about
her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity
of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it
is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the
other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember
if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they
are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH
- THE HUMAN BRAIN HAS BEEN MAPPED...
HOW TO IMPRESS
A WOMAN...
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS
A MAN...
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
HOW TO GET READY FOR
PARENTHOOD...
(IN 12 EASY
TO FOLLOW STEPS)
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the
alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a
drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the
flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Fiesta and buy a Renault Espace. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a fifty pence piece. Stick it in the
cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them
down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.
Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end,
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this
do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from at least Postman Pat, Fireman
Sam, Teletubbies and Noddy. When you find yourself singing any of the
theme tunes at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
EXPERTS
There was a magician working on a cruise ship. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act, saying in the middle
of the trick "The card is up his sleeve" or "He has a dove in his pocket" or "He slipped
it through a hole in his hat"...
One day the ship sank. The
parrot and the magician found themselves together on a life raft. For several days the parrot sat silent and stared
at the magician. On the fourth day the parrot said "OK, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
Joe Taylor Ford
CAN WOMEN UNDERSTAND
MEN?
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
CAN YOU COUNT YOUR F'S?
>> > > >
>> You think you're smart??
>> > > > >> Try this out....Read this sentence:
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
>> > > > >> SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
>> > > > >> IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
>> > > > >> THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> Now count the F's in that sentence. Count
>> > > > >> only once, don't go back a 2nd time.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> ANSWER:
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> There are six F's in the sentence.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> A person of average intelligence finds
>> > > > >> three of them.
>> > > > >> If you spotted four, you're above average.
>> > > > >> If you got five, you can turn your nose at
>> > > > >> most anybody.
>> > > > >> If you caught six, you are a genius.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> There is no catch. Many people forget the
>> > > > >> "OF"'s.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
>> > > > >> Pretty weird, huh?
EVLILIK UZERINE...
Benim düsünebildigim
en mutlu evlilik, sagir bir erkekle kör bir kadinin evlenmesidir.
Calvin Coleridge
Ne pahasina olursa olsun, evlenin.Kariniz iyi çikarsa mutlu olursunuz, yok fena çikarsa o zaman da
filozof olursunuz.
Socrates
Evlenme kafese benzer, içindekiler çikmak için, disindakiler girmek için ugrasirlar.
Lard Mary
Montagu
Evlilik hayatinda ara sira kavga etmelidir, çünkü insanlar ancak, böyle birbirlerini anlarlar.
Goethe
Kadin kocasini daha az sevmeli, fakat daha çok anlamali; erkek, karisini daha çok sevmeli, fakat
anlamaya çalismamalidir.
Oscar Wilde
Kocalarin düstükleri biricik hata, evli olduklarini unutmalaridir.
Lady Effingham
Evlendikten sonra karinizin sizinle nasil konusacagini ögrenmek isterseniz, simdi erkek kardesiyle nasil konustuguna
bakin.
G.J.Nathau
Evlenme-bosanma isi sirf kadinlarin elinde olsaydi, bir tek nikah saglam kalmazdi.
Dostoyevski
SECRET OF
THE TRADE
Late one night in Las Vegas
a player at the craps table was having a run of bad luck. Desperate, he turned to a dealer and said "You work
here. what's the secret to winning at this game?".
"What day of the wwek
is it?" the dealer asked.
"Saturday."
"What time is it?"
"About 3 a.m."
the player answered.
"I'm here working on
a saturday at 3 in the morning and you're here on vacation" said the dealer, "and you think I've got
the answer?"
Joe Taylor Ford
GENDER MATH
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE
SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS
SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION
DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION
DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME
A MAN WILL PAY $2.00 FOR A $1.00 ITEM HE NEEDS.
A WOMAN WILL PAY $1.00 FOR A $2.00 ITEM THAT SHE DOES
NOT NEED.
A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL SHE GETS A
HUSBAND.
A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE UNTIL HE GETS A
WIFE.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY THAN HIS
WIFE CAN SPEND.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN, YOU MUST LOVE HIM A LITTLE AND
UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT AND
NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL.
MEN WAKE UP AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THEY WENT TO BED.
WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIORATE OVERNIGHT.
A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE, BUT HE
DOESN'T.
A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING SHE WON'T CHANGE, BUT
SHE DOES.
MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, BUT MARRIED
MEN ARE MORE WILLING TO DIE.
ANY MARRIED MAN SHOULD FORGET HIS MISTAKES. THERE'S
NO USE IN TWO PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT. ANYTHING A MAN SAYS AFTER
THAT IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT.
HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE...
AN AMERICAN SALARY
A BRITISH HOME
CHINESE FOOD
A GERMAN CAR &
A LATIN WIFE
HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE...
AN AMERICAN CAR
A BRITISH WIFE
A CHINESE HOME
GERMAN FOOD
A LATIN SALARY
"You want." = You want.
"We need." = I want.
"It's your decision." = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk." = I need to complain.
"Sure . . . go ahead." = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset." = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're . . . so manly." = You need a shave and you sweat too much.
"You're certainly attentive tonight." = Is sex all you ever think about?
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." = I want a new house.
"I want new curtains." = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
"I need shoes." = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
"I heard a noise." = I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute." = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
"Yes." = No.
"No." = No.
"Maybe." = No.
"I'm sorry." = You'll be sorry.
"Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
"I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
"All we're going to buy is a soap dish." = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
WOMEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY...
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I Call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it . . . we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = 50 bucks and it still doesn't look any different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
Bring beer.
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the
alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a
drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the
flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Fiesta and buy a Renault Espace. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a fifty pence piece. Stick it in the
cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them
down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.
Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end,
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this
do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from at least Postman Pat, Fireman
Sam, Teletubbies and Noddy. When you find yourself singing any of the
theme tunes at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
EXPERTS
There was a magician working on a cruise ship. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act, saying in the middle of the trick "The card is up his sleeve" or "He has a dove in his pocket" or "He slipped it through a hole in his hat"...
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
>> > > > >> Try this out....Read this sentence:
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
>> > > > >> SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
>> > > > >> IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
>> > > > >> THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> Now count the F's in that sentence. Count
>> > > > >> only once, don't go back a 2nd time.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> ANSWER:
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> There are six F's in the sentence.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> A person of average intelligence finds
>> > > > >> three of them.
>> > > > >> If you spotted four, you're above average.
>> > > > >> If you got five, you can turn your nose at
>> > > > >> most anybody.
>> > > > >> If you caught six, you are a genius.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> There is no catch. Many people forget the
>> > > > >> "OF"'s.
>> > > > >>
>> > > > >> The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
>> > > > >> Pretty weird, huh?
Calvin Coleridge
Ne pahasina olursa olsun, evlenin.Kariniz iyi çikarsa mutlu olursunuz, yok fena çikarsa o zaman da filozof olursunuz.
Socrates
Evlenme kafese benzer, içindekiler çikmak için, disindakiler girmek için ugrasirlar.
Lard Mary Montagu
Evlilik hayatinda ara sira kavga etmelidir, çünkü insanlar ancak, böyle birbirlerini anlarlar.
Goethe
Kadin kocasini daha az sevmeli, fakat daha çok anlamali; erkek, karisini daha çok sevmeli, fakat anlamaya çalismamalidir.
Oscar Wilde
Kocalarin düstükleri biricik hata, evli olduklarini unutmalaridir.
Lady Effingham
Evlendikten sonra karinizin sizinle nasil konusacagini ögrenmek isterseniz, simdi erkek kardesiyle nasil konustuguna bakin.
G.J.Nathau
Evlenme-bosanma isi sirf kadinlarin elinde olsaydi, bir tek nikah saglam kalmazdi.
Dostoyevski
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